The ABCs of Divorce

Divorce paperwork is written for judges and lawyers, not for the people living through it. That gap makes a hard time harder. When you know what the words mean, you can follow your own case, ask better questions, and make decisions instead of just reacting to them.

This runs A to Z. Skim it, save it, or look something up when it turns up in a document. Rules and wording differ from state to state, so treat this as a starting point and ask us how it works where you live.

A

Alimony (your state may call it spousal support or maintenance)

Money one spouse pays the other after the marriage ends, to help cover living costs. Courts look at how long you were married, what each of you earns, what each of you could realistically earn, and the lifestyle you had together. It might last a few months, a few years, or in long marriages, much longer.

Alternative dispute resolution

Any way of settling your divorce without a judge deciding it for you. Mediation is the most common. Most divorces end this way, and it is almost always cheaper, faster, and less bruising than a courtroom.

B

Best interests of the child

The question a judge asks before making any decision about your kids. Not what either parent wants, but what works best for the child. Judges look at who has handled the daily care, how steady each home is, the child's school and friendships, and whether each parent supports the child's bond with the other parent.

Bifurcation

Splitting your divorce into two parts, so you can be legally single before the money is sorted out. Useful when one hard question, like what a family business is worth, is holding up everything else.

C

Child support

Money for your child's everyday costs: food, clothes, a roof, activities. Most states use a formula based on what both parents earn and how much time the child spends with each. It is separate from time with the kids. If your ex stops paying, you still follow the schedule. If your ex skips visits, you still pay.

COAP

The court order the Office of Personnel Management requires before it will pay a former spouse part of a federal pension, a survivor annuity, or both. Like the RBCO, it has strict wording rules, and a divorce decree alone is not enough.

COBRA

A federal rule that lets you stay on your former spouse's work health insurance for a while after the divorce, as long as you pay for it yourself. The window to sign up is short, so raise health insurance early instead of at the end.

Commingling

Mixing money that was yours alone into money you share. Putting an inheritance into a joint account is the classic example. Do enough of it and a court may treat that money as belonging to both of you.

Community property

In a handful of states, nearly everything either spouse earns or buys during the marriage belongs to both of you equally, and gets split down the middle. Most states handle it differently (see equitable distribution).

Cost Basis

What you originally paid for an investment. When you sell, you only owe tax on the growth above that number. This matters in divorce because two accounts can show the same balance but leave you with very different amounts after taxes.

Custody

Really two separate things. One is who makes the big decisions: school, doctors, religion. The other is where your child sleeps each night. Many states have dropped the word custody in favor of plainer terms like decision-making and parenting time.

D

Default judgment

What happens when one spouse gets the divorce papers and never responds. The judge can give the other side what they asked for, with you never in the room.

Deposition

A question-and-answer session outside of court. You are under oath, someone types down every word, and there is no judge. What you say can come back at trial, so your attorney will prepare you first.

Discovery

The stage where both sides have to hand over information: bank statements, tax returns, written questions, and sometimes records straight from a bank or employer. It is how each of you finds out what the other really has.

E

Equitable distribution

How most states split what you own. Equitable means fair, and fair does not always mean half. A judge can give one spouse more, based on things like how long you were married, what each of you put in, and what each of you can earn going forward.

F

FERS (Federal Employees Retirement System)

The retirement system covering most federal workers hired since 1984. It has three legs: a monthly pension, Social Security, and the TSP. Each leg can be treated differently in a divorce.

Financial affidavit

A sworn statement listing everything about your finances, what you earn, what you spend, what you owe, and what you own. The exact form name varies by state, and it's easy to fill out incorrectly, which can cause real problems later.

G

Guardian ad litem

Someone the court assigns to look into what is best for your children. They may talk with you, your ex, the kids, teachers, and doctors, then report back to the judge. They speak for what a child needs, which is not always what the child asks for.

H

Hearing

A short court date about one specific question, like who pays the mortgage while the divorce is going on. Much shorter than a trial, and often the only time you will stand in front of a judge.

I

Imputed income

When a judge bases support on what you could earn rather than what you actually earn. It comes up when someone quits or takes a lower-paying job to shrink a support payment.

Interrogatories

Written questions from the other side that you have to answer in writing and under oath, usually within about a month.

J

Joint custody

Parents sharing the decisions, the time with the kids, or both. It almost never means an exact even split. The label matters far less than the actual schedule written into your parenting plan.

Jurisdiction

Whether a court is allowed to handle your case at all, usually based on how long you have lived in the state. Decisions about children follow their own rules (see UCCJEA).

K

Schedule K-1

A tax form showing income from a business, a partnership, or a trust. If either of you owns part of a business, this form usually says more about real income than a W-2 does.

L

Legal separation

A court order that divides your finances and sets a schedule for the kids while you stay legally married. People choose it to keep health insurance, for religious reasons, or because they are not ready to make it final.

LES (Leave and Earnings Statement)

Pay stub showing entitlements, taxes, deductions, allotments for active duty.

M

Marital property

Everything the two of you picked up during the marriage, no matter whose name is on it. That includes debt, which surprises people.

Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA)

The main divorce contract. It spells out how you and your spouse are dividing property, money and responsibilities, and it's something both sides agree to (with their lawyers or a mediator helping) rather than something a judge orders.

Mediation

Sitting down with a neutral person who helps you and your spouse work out an agreement. They do not take sides, do not represent either of you, and cannot decide anything. Many courts want you to try it before they will schedule a trial.

Motion

A written request asking the judge to do one specific thing.

N

Nesting

An arrangement where the kids stay put in the family home and the parents take turns living there. Some families use it for a few months during the divorce. It tends to be easier on children and harder on adults.

Notice

The rule that your spouse has to be told before a court does anything. It is why nearly everything filed in your case also gets sent to them or their lawyer.

O

Order

Anything a judge signs telling someone to do or stop doing something. It takes effect right away, and believing it is unfair is not a reason to ignore it.

P

Parenting plan

The written plan for raising your kids across two homes: the weekly schedule, holidays, school breaks, where and when handoffs happen, travel, who decides what, and how the two of you will talk to each other. Detailed plans head off future arguments. Vague ones cause them.

Pension

A promise of monthly income for life in retirement, based on salary and years worked rather than an account balance. There is no pot of money to split, which is why dividing one takes its own kind of court order.

Prenuptial and postnuptial agreements

Contracts signed before or during a marriage that decide in advance who gets what. Courts will hold you to one if both people signed freely, both showed their real finances, and the terms are not wildly one-sided.

Q

QDRO

Say it "QUAD-ro." It is a separate document a judge signs so a 401(k) or pension can be split between you without the taxes and penalty you would normally owe for pulling money out early. Your divorce papers alone usually will not do it. Forgetting this one is a common and expensive mistake.

R

RBCO (Retirement Benefits Court Order)

The court order the TSP requires before it will pay part of a federal employee's TSP account to a former spouse. It has to use language the TSP accepts, or the agency will reject it.

Retainer

Money you pay your attorney up front. Their hours are charged against it as work gets done, and you should get statements showing exactly where it went.

Roth IRA

You put in money you've already paid tax on, and if you follow the rules, everything you take out later, including the growth, is tax free. A dollar in a Roth is worth more than a dollar in a traditional account.

S

Separate property

What you brought into the marriage, plus anything given or left to you alone. It can stop being yours if it gets mixed in with shared money (see commingling), so hang on to the paperwork.

Settlement agreement

The written deal that ends your case. Once a judge approves it, it carries the same weight as anything else a judge orders. Read every line, because undoing it later runs from hard to impossible.

Subpoena

A court-backed demand for records or testimony from someone outside your marriage, like a bank, an employer, or an accountant.

T

Taxable Brokerage Account

A regular investment account with no retirement rules attached. No penalty for taking money out at any age, but you owe tax on dividends and on gains when you sell.

Temporary orders

The rules for right now: who pays which bills, who stays in the house, how support works, when each parent has the kids, all while the divorce is still going. These matter more than people expect, because whatever works for a few months tends to become the long-term arrangement.

Tracing

Following money backward through old statements to show it started out as yours alone. Good records make it doable. Missing records usually make it impossible.

Trial

The final court date, where a judge decides everything the two of you could not agree on. Only a small share of divorces get this far. It is the slowest and most expensive route.

Traditional IRA

A personal retirement account you open yourself. You usually get a tax break when you put money in, the money grows untaxed, and you pay income tax when you take it out in retirement.

TSP (Thrift Savings Plan)

The retirement savings account for federal employees and military members. It works like a 401(k): money comes out of each paycheck, the government adds a match, and it gets invested. The balance is whatever the account is worth on a given day.

U

Uncontested divorce

You and your spouse agree on everything. Quicker, quieter, and far cheaper.

V

Valuation date

The day used to decide what something is worth: the house, a retirement account, a business. Move that date a few months and the number can change a lot, which is why it sometimes gets negotiated on its own.

W

Wage withholding

An order telling an employer to take support out of a paycheck and send it on automatically. It is standard now, and it protects both people by creating a clean record of what was paid.

Waiver

Giving up a right on purpose, like agreeing to accept the divorce papers directly instead of being formally served. Waivers are usually permanent, so be sure you know what you are letting go.

X

Cross-examination

When the other side's lawyer questions you, either at a deposition or at trial. This is the part clients dread most. Preparation is what turns it from an ambush into something you can handle.

Y

Year of separation

Some states make you live apart for a set stretch, often six months to a year, before the divorce can be final. Knowing your state's waiting period helps you plan.

Z

Zealous advocacy

Your lawyer's duty to push hard for you within the rules. It does not mean fighting about everything. A good lawyer will also tell you straight when settling beats winning.

A note on all of this

You do not need to memorize any of it. You only need to know that when a word shows up in a document and you do not recognize it, that is a reasonable question and not a silly one. Ask.

The people who come through this best are usually the ones who stayed informed and made deliberate choices, not the ones who knew the most Latin.

This article explains common family law terms in general. It is not legal advice. Rules, wording, and deadlines differ a great deal from one state and county to the next, and no article can account for the details of your case. For advice about your own situation, please contact our office.

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